Sunday, December 26, 2010

New Year's Resolutions

Now that the insanity of Christmas has (barely) passed us by, many people immediately turn to thoughts of what they want to resolve to do --or not do--in the new year.  I know many of us probably resolve to do the same things many other people resolve to do...they want to lose weight, exercise more, fit into those jeans from high school, whatever.  That's all well and good, but how are you going to get there? What are you going to do for yourself to get you to that goal?

I challenge all of you to come up with at least one resolution, AND a way to get there.  I'll start:

1) I resolve to do yoga at least three times a week.  IN order to do this, I'll schedule it into my day, likely Tuesday, Friday, and Saturday, in order to avoid conflicts with school providing excuses not to.  I will transfer my yoga audio instructions to my ipod so that they are clearly heard and easily accessed, and I will make sure my yoga dvds are accessible and in the appropriate cases.

2) I resolve to eat less refined sugar. I will limit myself to 1 treat a day, the way I did while living in Europe (the time of my most effective weight loss), and I will remove sodas from my diet. Again.  I will switch to drinking water and natural fruit juices in their place.

By breaking them down into managable parts, I've lost a lot of the daunting fear that comes with these kinds of resolutions.  What do you resolve for 2011?

Thursday, December 16, 2010

'Tis the Season

The semester's over. I'm relieved. The grades are rolling in and are, so far, all A's. (Woo) I did a lot of baking yesterday, for my mother. She's feeling better after round five of chemo, but she had a deadline to hit (Saturday), and not a lot of energy to hit it, so I stepped in to help.  I found myself quite surprised by the amount of cookies I didn't want to eat. I'm usually nibbling left, right, and center, but not this year. Well. I did nibble some dough...

I find it fascinating, because two days ago, my now ex-boyfriend decided to be a complete and utter asshole and tell me that he just wanted to be "Casual", based on things like I don't keep my house spotless (I have a dog, two cats, and a six year old, work, and go to school, OF COURSE IT'S NOT SPOTLESS, WTF.), that I have cats (don't get me started), and because I'm going to school, which is, in his opinion, not taking care of my child because it means I'm not working full time or fully financially stable.

I'll let that sink in for a moment.

Yes, he actually said that it bothered him that I was having financial troubles because I was chosing to go to school instead of working full time.  Now...there's a million problems with that, but we'll stick with the basics here: 1) my job WONT LET ME WORK FULL TIME, 2) going to school IS taking care of my son and 3) he's clean, he's fed, he has clothes, and a roof over his head. FUCK YOU.

So all that shit went down, and then I baked. And I didn't binge.  I didn't binge the night before, when he pulled that crap, I didn't binge while baking, and I still haven't binged.  I'm really fucking proud of myself for that.

How's your holidays looking so far, Weather Watchers?

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

What a difference a month makes

We've all been exceptionally quite for the last month or so.  For my part, it was a combination of lack of internet, school, work, child, NaNoWriMo, and a myriad of other things, including my mother's chemo treatments and an upper respiratory infection that we were all terrified was going to turn into pneumonia (it didn't, and she's on the mend, with 2 treatments left to go. yay!).  Excuses, excuses, yeah, I know.

It's been a rough month, emotionally.  I wound up completely off meds again, and while it's better in one way (i was falling asleep ALL THE TIME on Zoloft. not a good thing for classes, work, child rearing...), it's resulted in a couple of rounds of woe-is-me. That resulted in quite a bit of binge eating, since I'm an emotional eater.  I don't think I gained any weight, because there were a lot of times that I flat out forgot to eat anything at all, and my clothes are all looser.  This leads me to believe I actually lost weight.  This isn't any better, though. I didn't do it through healthy living, i did it through starvation.

Does it matter that I didn't do it on purpose?  no, I don't think so.  I think, in my view, it makes it worse, because it means I wasn't taking care of myself at all. That's not healthy at all.  Sure, there's quite a bit I could do about it, now, but reaction is not the goal.  Action is.  Taking care of myself so that this doesn't happen is the way it should be.  The question then becomes how do I do that?

I don't know. No one knows. It's about how I feel about myself, right? No one can take care of me for me. I try, but it doesn't work very well. Obviously.  I think it's a lot of three steps forward-two steps back, but either way, I'm gaining ground. I think.

(isn't this just the most cheerful return post?)

Saturday, October 30, 2010

We'll walk this road together, through the storm

Another Saturday, another victory.

On the way to my weigh-in, Eminem's song "Not Afraid" came on the radio. And it couldn't have been any more appropriate. (Side note - I never really liked his stuff before. But really dig it since he got cleaned up. Anyone who knows me, knows how eclectic my music taste really is.)

I'm not afraid. I'm no longer afraid of what the future might bring, afraid of wasting the present, afraid of what used to be in my past. I am strong. I am clean. I am loved. I am strong. I got cleaned up; not from drugs or alcohol, but from my food addiction, though I fight with it everyday.

I wish I could accurately share with you what I'm feeling right now, how wondrous and glorious my heart beats, how much love and happiness is coursing through me. I wish I could take out whatever is making me so bouncy and giggly and strong and inject it into others so that I could share these feelings. But instead, I blog and share music and talk to whomever needs to talk on IM and listen when my words aren't needed.

I made it through an incredibly stressful week; taking 130 kids on a field trip was just a tad bit stressful, including the teachers who weren't all being very helpful, but more of a hinderance. And instead of eating my stress like I would have normally (and really wanted to btw), I took it out on my elliptical. I'm up to 20 minutes now. :)

And it was all worth it. I weighed in this morning. I'M DOWN 5 MORE POUNDS!!!!!!! For a total of 10.8 in the last three weeks.

Blessings and here's to another great week!

Love and Laughter,
I'm not afraid to take a stand

Everybody come take my hand

We'll walk this road together, through the storm

Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just let you know that, you're not alone

Holla if you feel that you've been down the same road
Yeah, It's been a ride...
I guess I had to go to that place to get to this one

Now some of you might still be in that place

If you're trying to get out, just follow me

I'll get you there

You can try and read my lyrics off of this paper before I lay 'em

But you won't take this thing out these words before I say 'em

Cause ain't no way I'm let you stop me from causing mayhem

When I say 'em or do something I do it, I don't give a damn

What you think, I'm doing this for me, so fuck the world

Feed it beans, it's gassed up, if a thing's stopping me

I'mma be what I set out to be, without a doubt undoubtedly

And all those who look down on me I'm tearing down your balcony

No if ands or buts don't try to ask him why or how can he

From Infinite down to the last Relapse album he's still shit'n

Whether he's on salary, paid hourly

Until he bows out or he shit's his bowels out of him

Whichever comes first, for better or worse

He's married to the game, like a fuck you for christmas

His gift is a curse, forget the earth he's got the urge

To pull his dick from the dirt and fuck the universe

I'm not afraid to take a stand

Everybody come take my hand

We'll walk this road together, through the storm

Whatever weather, cold or warm

Just let you know that, you're not alone

Holla if you feel that you've been down the same road
Ok quit playin' with the scissors and shit, and cut the crap

I shouldn't have to rhyme these words in the rhythm for you to know it's a rap

You said you was king, you lied through your teeth

For that fuck your feelings, instead of getting crowned you're getting capped

And to the fans, I'll never let you down again, I'm back

I promise to never go back on that promise, in fact

Let's be honest, that last Relapse CD was "ehhhh"

Perhaps I ran them accents into the ground

Relax, I ain't going back to that now

All I'm tryna say is get back, click-clack BLAOW

Cause I ain't playin' around

There's a game called circle and I don't know how

I'm way too up to back down

But I think I'm still tryna figure this crap out

Thought I had it mapped out but I guess I didn't

This fucking black cloud still follow's me around

But it's time to exercise these demons

These motherfuckers are doing jumping jacks now!

I'm not afraid to take a stand

Everybody come take my hand

We'll walk this road together, through the storm

Whatever weather, cold or warm

Just let you know that, you're not alone

Holla if you feel that you've been down the same road
And I just can't keep living this way

So starting today, I'm breaking out of this cage

I'm standing up, Imma face my demons

I'm manning up, Imma hold my ground

I've had enough, now I'm so fed up

Time to put my life back together right now
It was my decision to get clean, I did it for me

Admittedly I probably did it subliminally for you

So I could come back a brand new me, you helped see me through

And don't even realise what you did, believe me you

I been through the ringer, but they can do little to the middle finger

I think I got a tear in my eye, I feel like the king of

My world, haters can make like bees with no stingers, and drop dead

No more beef flingers, no more drama from now on, I promise

To focus soley on handling my responsibility's as a father

So I solemnly swear to always treat this roof like my daughters and raise it

You couldn't lift a single shingle on it

Cause the way I feel, I'm strong enough to go to the club

Or the corner pub and lift the whole liquor counter up

Cause I'm raising the bar, I shoot for the moon

But I'm too busy gazing at stars, I feel amazing and

I'm not afraid to take a stand

Everybody come take my hand

We'll walk this road together, through the storm

Whatever weather, cold or warm

Just let you know that, you're not alone

Holla if you feel that you've been down the same road

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Where My Heart Takes Me

I know it's been awhile.  Went to the beach for a week with NO internet and hardly any cell phone coverage.  Sporadic at best.  It was amazing.  Had an AMAZING time.  But then something...significant happened to me.

During the entire week, I had been eating fairly healthy (except for a TicTac mini chocolate bar every now and then).  Even walked for over an hour on the beach every day with my dog (which was heavenly!!).  But in the back of my mind, thoughts of food (pizza, ice cream, chips) were my constant companion.  I knew the moment my folks left to go home and take my grandma back to her home, that my time was open to eat what I wanted.  

A few hours after they left, I packed my dog up in my car and took off for the nearest town, about 30 minutes away.  I got a bunch of different 'appetizers' to bake in the oven - onion rings, buffalo wings, etc - ice cream, and a pizza from the best pizza place I've ever had.  During this shopping excursion, I even grabbed some McDonald's.  Took it all back to the house, with every intention of gorging the crap out of myself. 

Put the stuff in the freezer or the oven, depending, and proceeded to have a panic attack.  Something inside of me KNEW what I was doing was the worst thing.  I was crying, couldn't catch my breath, and started calling out for someone to help me, calling out to Jesus.  It lowest point.  I knew that it was now or never.  Called my mom up (even though I'm 30, she can still calm me when we talk) and I came to some conclusions. 

I can't do this by myself.  I need some support.  I am a food addict.  While it's not drugs, alcohol or sex, this addiction will kill me.  I had to get some counseling, find a group or something.  I've tried OA before, but it was a little creepy (only one woman who was a bit...odd).  And in the end of the conversation with my Mom, I threw ALL of the food away.  All $70+ of it.  And I almost threw up after.  My body was shaking, and the desperation was just leaking out of me.  It was just awful.  And I never want to feel that way again.  I never want to feel that out of control of my life, of myself.

When I came home, I joined Weight Watchers the next day.  Literally.  I came home on Friday and joined on Saturday morning.  I just completed my second week.

I haven't touched, gone near or inside of a fast food join since that Friday.  No junk food or anything that could poison my body.  And I've been doing so well following the WW program.  I feel better, cleaner.  My hair is shiny, my skin is glowing, and I'm down 5.8 pounds; 5 pounds the first week, .8 this week (which is totally awesome 'cause I'm also on my period.  I usually gain 3-5 pounds, so I'll take a .8 loss!!!).  

With this change...I wish I could describe how amazing I feel, how truly happy I am.  I'm looking forward to the journey, to my path to happiness, to loving myself.  I'm looking forward to heading up to Seattle for New Years Eve and Portland next summer for a friend's wedding.  I'm going wear a summer dress and dance and flirt with some cute boys.  I'm going to run a marathon with my friend, go out dancing at a salsa club.  I'm going to India to see the Taj Mahal, have a baby one day.  

From the lowest point in my life, I'm finding my way back.  And it's amazing.  I am blessed by God and everyone to have come to this point.

Love and Laughter,

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Overdoing it

Okay, so I got a little excited.

You see, for the first time in a long time, a member of the opposite sex has expressed interest in me.  Now, I'm not sure how you all feel about dating when you're a big girl, but let me tell you what I worry about:

That. That is the kind of crap I worry about.  Because it's so prevalent.  It's not okay to make fun of Black people any more; it's not really okay to may fun of LGBTQ people any more, but man is it ever okay to make fun of fat people.  And everyone knows fat girls give it up quick, because they're so desperate for it.  Am I right, ladies?

So I worry.  But he seems all right; he's fun and kinda cute, so I figured I'd give it a chance.  So yesterday after class, I went over to the rec center and did my mile (well, almost a mile) on the track, and then I did a mile on the recumbent bike.

Then I went on my date.  We went to dinner (I had the grilled chicken Caesar), and we went mini-golfing.  And then we went bowling.  And this morning?  I HURT.  Let this be a lesson!

Saturday, October 9, 2010

It's The Small Successes...

It's The Small Successes that mean the most, sometimes.

I have 2 pairs of pants that I absolutely adore.  I haven't wore either of them for well over a year, because when I put them on last, they were so tight that I had horrendous muffin top syndrome AND a fugly camel toe, to boot.

This evening, while trying to figure out what to wear out for a date night, I decided to try on the muffin top/camel toe causing pants....and they fit!  No muffin top. No camel toe.

Suddenly, my crabby, bloated, pms-y crankiness disappeared.

And this small success was brought about by a very small change: walking. Just walking to and from the subway to commute to work (about a mile round trip) and walking to the grocery store every evening.

Sure it took a long time, but that doesn't really matter anymore.  Not when I can finally wear two of my most favorite slacks I have ever purchased.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Tuesday doldrums

I don't know if it's actually because it's Tuesday, if it's because (TMI alert, beg pardon!) the hormones are on a down swing, or if it's because it's the middle of a semester so everything seems wildly out of proportion to everything else.  I'm down today, though.  I feel very isolated and alone.  I've done my Health Month stuff for the day, and I've done proper work at work (as well as some not-proper-fic-reading...) and will do more productive things when I get home tonight, but it's a day when I'm just going through the motions.

Cue Buffy: the Vampie Slayer's "Once More With Feeling" soundtrack, please...

I'm not sure what's causing it, but I know I don't like it, and I know it's having an impact on my eating and other healthy behaviors.  I brought a sandwich for lunch today, and instead had some of the pizza provided t the luncheon today.  As well as a Twinkie and a can of Coke.  I parked close to the building instead of out under the trees (though that was as much because I'm wearing three inch heels :P ). I have intentions to do some yoga and some housework when I get home before I do my homework, but whether that sticks or not, I don't know.  The way I'm feeling right now, it won't. I'm so apathetic, it's ridiculous.

I just don't know what to do about it. I would dearly love to just curl up and sleep. Ignore the world. Forget dinner. I just don't want to interact with the world.  As much as I know it's unhealthy, it's what I want to do, and this Tuesday, it's one I'm struggling to fight. :(

Monday, October 4, 2010

How was your weekend?

I was still pretty sick through most of mine. Felt better today, so I went to the gym with my friend.  We walked our mile on the track, but by the end of it, I wanted to die, so we didn't do the bike today.  Hopefully by Wednesday, I will be up to it again.

Didn't do too terribly bad on the eating this weekend... Mom and I went to Longhorn yesterday and split a rack of ribs.  I only ate maybe three or four ribs, but I did decimate my baked potato.

I am considering trying to do the Atkins induction phase, since I did it once before and dropped like ten pounds in a week, but I am honestly not sure whether or not I can stay away from Starbucks that long.  Plus there's that whole Atkins-may-be-bad-for-you debate.

In other news, I have a new hamster.  :)  Tell me about you!

Friday, October 1, 2010

Happy Friday

Happy Friday, Weather watchers! Hope your week ends on a high note and you have a fantastic weekend.  Consider today Free Meal Friday!  You've been working hard all week, take a meal and indulge a little! Have a glass of wine with dinner, have some pasta with that delicious Alfredo sauce, add a dessert onto the meal.  Make this a tradition for yourself every Friday.  complete denial will lead only to heartbreak and despair when you inevitably slip and binge on something unhealthy.

Another idea that I found worked for me years ago and I will be instituting again is to allow yourself one sweet (or salty if that's your preference) treat a day.  You get to decide when you have it, of course, but it's a good way to moderate yourself without going overboard in either direction.

So today, I had a bit of a thinky thought.  I'm wearing a corset today (a non-restricting one, more one for ascetics) and when I looked at myself in the mirror, i was surprised at how sleekly curvy I appeared.  A week of slightly healthier living hasn't done much in the way of weight loss, but I noticed there was something about my carriage that seemed more confident.  Part of this I'm willing to attribute to the recent addition of a rather fabulous boyfriend, but not all of it. Most certainly not all of it.

My shoulders were back, my head held high.  My skin was glowing and healthy, and there was a healthy sparkle in my eye that wasn't there a few weeks ago. 

All of this I fully attribute to my darling Weather Girls. Without them, This would be another attempt doomed to failure.  With you, I can succeed and get healthy. :D

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

New Group!

Hello, Weather watchers, i come bearing ideas. FOr a little bit of background, I'm a writer and I utlize the site to boost my productivity and help me develop better writing habits.  It has, for the most part, succeeded.  Because of this, when I found out that the founder is starting a new site, i went over to check it out.  Called Health Month, the goal is not weight loss (unless you want it to be), but healthy living. Just like us around here. WHAT A COINCIDENCE. :D I'm already all signed up (inkonthepage) and I invite you to do the same.

There's a lot going on over there, and I invite you to check it out.  I know that you don't have a lot of time to decide if you want to participate for October or not, but I encourage you to check it out.



My friend Emily went with me, and we did really well.  The indoor track in our rec center is 1 mile = 6.5 laps.  So we walked 7 laps (because really, who walks 6.5 laps and stops?  "Can I have a Segway for the rest of the trip?"  I think not.)  Then we did 10 situps each, and while I could probably have done more, it was really hurting my tailbone so we stopped.  We also spent time on the exercise bikes.  Emily went on the regular bike for a mile, but my doc recommended me to start on the recumbent bike.  So I did, but it was a kind of awkward position or angle or something, and I could feel it pulling at a muscle in my groin, so I stopped because a groin injury is NOT on my list of things to do this month.

I also ate relatively healthy today.  I had breakfast (toasted English muffin with peanut butter and a glass of V8 fusion, which I LOVE THAT STUFF), I had lunch (chicken sandwich and a snack size bag of Munchos, and a bottle of water[!!!]), and my mom was off work today and made dinner (meat loaf made with ground turkey, sliced tomatoes with cottage cheese, and a cornbread casserole thing that I totally could have eaten six pounds of but restricted myself to only one serving).

While the chicken sandwich was not the 100% best choice ever, since it came from Chick-Fil-A and was therefore fried, it was the best choice of everything available in the POD market in the building on campus where I have all my classes.  And I did put mayo on it, but I only used half the packet.  Baby steps, right?

The only thing I have to confess today is about my coffee.

I have a Starbucks habit.   It is right on my way to school every morning and come on, it is mocha delicious.  And I am only 8 days away from becoming the mayor of said Starbucks on Foursquare.  So, yeah.  Habit.  BUT I have been behaving.  Since last week, I have ordered the mocha frappuccino light, grande sized.  According to, this is only 167 calories.  Not bad, eh? 

This morning, I was a bad little weather girl.  *shifty eyes*  But it was sooooooooooo good.  I'm NOT beating myself up over it because I was so well-behaved for the rest of the day, and I did go to the gym.  Overall, I'm calling today a success.

What did YOU do today that was on track?  Tell me about YOUR success!

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Stormy's Challenge

Okay, I'm gonna challenge my Weather Girls this morning.  Go out and do something physical for 15 minutes.  No excuses.  Get up from whatever you're doing and walk or do the elliptical (which is what I just did) or jumping jacks or chase your cat/dog around.  Whatever you want to do.  Just get up and do it!  :D

Let me what you do.  :D

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Stormy's Introduction

Hey there. I'm Stormy, and I guess it's about time I introduced myself.
Current Stats:

AGE: 30

WEIGHT: 272.2 lbs. (yes, I'm that specific)

HEIGHT: 5' 8'

SHIRT SIZE: 3X (which can sometime be on the tight side, usually do to the boobs)


CURRENT LEVEL OF PHYSICAL ACTIVITY: nothing on purpose, really. I've been doing my teaching thing and that's taken up quite a bit of time. But I'm walking and on the elliptical tomorrow. ;-)

CURRENT DIET: That's kind of an influx thing. I've been addicted to fast food/junk food for so long, which is my path to destruction, really. But I gave that up about two months ago. And instead of trying to work through that addition, I ended up shopping too much and spending too much money, which stopped me from going on a trip I was looking for (which, ironically, was supposed to be this weekend). That, of course, sent me back to fast food. *sigh*

This is a pic of me from Paley Fest in LA last year with a couple of my good friends from the NCIS fandom. I was supposed to be with them this weekend.

WEIGHT LOSS HISTORY: I haven't always had a weight problem, per se. But I've had issues with my body, my body image, my self-esteem for forever. I do remember my Mom talking when I was a kid about her own weight issues and being super focused on her weight (she's very regimented with her own body). But that's about it, weight-wise. My dad is overweight, my brother's own weight fluctuates (though he's on the more in-shape side of life), and my grandmother is anorexic and HATES my being fat. I have, however, had great issues with food, and, as I just before, my self-esteem.

I had a hard childhood. Not because of family (great, healthy - as possible - family life), not because of abuse, but because I really shouldn't be alive. I was born with an immune deficiency and spent most of my beginning years/life in and out of hospitals. I was/am allergic to a lot of foods, and my parents had to watch me basically starve to death, unable to help me. Out of desperation, my mom gave me a McDonald's french fry, and I kept it down. So, she fed them to me. (Thus, began my love of french fries, btw.) And that's when I started to equate eating with surviving. Every time I feel threatened in some way, I eat. I eat when I'm depressed, when I'm scared, when I'm lonely, when I'm brokenhearted, when I'm lost, when I feel my survival threatened in some way. So, now I have to break that survival instinct. Continuing on...

As I got older, hit puberty, and started to develop. Even at 135-140, I had a size 36D chest and wasn't super skinny. I've been taller and chesty since I was 9 (which created interesting issues with the other kids). Didn't start dating until I was 16, and my first boyfriend ended up being emotional abusive. I have beaten that horse to death and am I really okay now with what has happened with him. But that is when I started to eat. And eat A LOT. But this is me, at about 160-180 (don't really remember) and 18, going to a concert to see a friend.
Man, I was hot. But WHY did I think I was fat and ugly? I still can't explain it.

Moving on into college, I had a desperate, unfulfilled need to belong, and kept eating. Graduated, got my credential and my first teaching job, and my weight was around 230. I started doing Shou' Shu', a form of karate, and LOVED it. Did really well too. Lost weight, down to 200, and was feeling really good about myself and my life. Had my first boyfriend in 10 years. Then all hell crashed down.

Because of the political game I could never play well, my principal at my first job opted to not rehire me. *sigh* I put my entire life into that job, my entire self-worth was tied up into it. And to lose it...I lost myself. The stress of that - having to continue to teach, take my bands (I'm a music teacher) on tour/competition - gave me a stomach condition, IBS. That prevented me from testing for my black belt. And I also lost my boyfriend during that time. Needless to say, the survival instinct kicked in, and I started to eat.

Since then, I moved back to my home town, got a new job, some new friends, and am starting a new life. Which leads me here. I chose the name Stormy for this because that's me. I'm strong and independent, a nice girl most of the time, hot tempered when needed, and generally unpredictable, even to myself.

I had to post one last picture of me and my dog Niko. He literally saved my life. After moving back home, I was crying. A LOT. And at one point thought it would just be easier to have it all just be over. But then I looked at him and knew I couldn't leave him behind. So, I stayed. And I'm fighting, Stormy Weather and all.

WEIGHT LOSS PLAN: I have tried literally almost EVERY diet plan out there: Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, Atkins. You name it, and I've tried it or some version. And the one thing I discovered is that there is no diet, there is no club, there is no one out there you pay money to that will magically give you the ability to lose the weight you have been fighting with your entire life. The one thing that all of these experiences, all of this money spent, has taught me is that the change has to come from within. I have to make the right choices. I have to eat correctly. I know what is needed and what is expected of me. I have to make the decision that I am worth being the healthiest and most beautiful person I can be, inside and outside.

With this in mind, my goal is to make good, healthy choices, to eat small portions 4-5 times a day to keep my metabolism up and running, to not eat fast food, to limit to almost nil the amount of junk food I allow into my body (I can't, however, be responsible for the ice cream/pizza cravings I get once a month. :P). I'm going to do what I know I have to do.

LONG-TERM GOAL: First, I have a 132 lbs. to lose for a final weight of 140
lbs. Second, I have to learn to love myself.

SHORT-TERM GOAL: For the next two weeks, since I'm on vacation, I'm going to up my exercising; increase my walking and time on the elliptical.

Coming to terms

So I started this project about a week ago, rounded up all my participants and planned out this blog, thinking to myself the whole time about how great it was going to be.  I was going to do wonders; I was going to get up and have breakfast and eat healthy and exercise, and I had every honest intention of doing just exactly that.

Those intentions lasted until probably late Tuesday evening.  At some point after posting my intro, the reality of what I had posted hit me hard, and I spent the entire rest of the week in a serious funk that bordered on depression.  Who was I kidding, my nasty little inner voice asked me.  What did I really think I was going to be able to accomplish?

And because I listened to that inner voice, I accomplished almost nothing.

Oh, I went grocery shopping on Thursday, but I haven't actually cooked anything, and yesterday, I confess, I went to Sonic and got the big double cheeseburger and tater tots.  And it was delicious.  And after I got home, I sat down in front of my computer, feeling like a big fat schlub, and I read Zephyr's post, and I cried a little bit, because I felt like a huge, disgusting, fat loser.

Today has been a bit better.  I had an actual breakfast, and an actual lunch, and though I've drunk a Coke, I've only drunk one Coke (rather than six), and I've also drunk some V8.  I haven't done anything active, but I've done some things better than I did them yesterday, and that's a step in the right direction.

My biggest problem is fatalism.  No matter the project, I feel it's doomed from the start.  Then, if things get screwed up, that just reinforces the whole I'm-a-failure motif going on in my head.  And then, oh, I feel so much better after a handful of Oreos or a big bowl of ice cream covered in chocolate sauce. 

That's okay.

My original goal was to spend two weeks getting my eating habits in order and starting an exercise program.  Well, I blew the first week - but I still have another week left.  And I'm going to do this, dammit.  I can do this.  This is not going to beat me.

MaryC's Introduction

AGE: 40-somethingish
WEIGHT: 169 lbs

HEIGHT: 5'4"


PANT SIZE: depends on the brand. Current Gap Jean size: 12 average

CURRENT LEVEL OF PHYSICAL ACTIVITY:  Recently increased because school started. I'm walking to and from the train to the bus stop and back as part of my commute, and I'm constantly standing and walking in the classroom (I'm a First Grade Teacher), and going up and down the stairs to and from my room multiple times during the day. Before that--Summer Vacation? Walked to the grocery store a couple of blocks from me and back on a daily basis.

CURRENT DIET: Since May, been basically following the WW Momentum plan, without journaling.  Starting today, I'm officially back on the WW plan and journaling.

WEIGHT LOSS HISTORY:  I was an average weight as a child, but when I hit my teens, I thought I was grossly fat.  Looking back at pictures of myself then, I shake my head at my younger self's completely bizarre self-image. 

I did get heavy in my Senior Year of HS, and lost a ton of weight on my own. Kept it off through the first couple of years in College, and basically gained weight very slowly through my young adulthood and beyond.

In 2000, when I moved from my home town to Los Angeles to continue my teaching career, I was at my heaviest: 184 pounds.  I did the WW "At Home" plan and hit my goal weight, keeping it off until I got lazy and gained it all back (plus 10 more pounds) by 2004.

At 194 pounds, my sister and I joined WW (AGAIN) and went to meetings each week. She quickly lost her weight (even though she had more to lose than I did), and I just plugged along, getting down to about 160 lbs (in time for my wedding)

We both stopped going to WW when our mother was diagnosed with Lymphoma. I gained almost 20 lbs back,  then lost about 1/2 of that, and have yo-yoed at that level, give or take 5 more lbs.  (My sister has gained most of hers back, but not all.)

WEIGHT LOSS PLAN:  I'm back on WW officially as of this morning. I'm doing the WW Online thingy, since my sister just refuses to go back to meetings with me. (She keeps saying she wants to lose some weight, first. (rolling eyes here) Seriously. WTF?)

LONG-TERM GOAL:  I want to lose 30 pounds to hit a goal weight of 140.

SHORT-TERM GOAL: I am a big believer in the goal of losing "10 %" of one's weight at a time.  As of right now, my short term goal is to lose 17 pounds. I don't have a target date for that, it'll happen when it'll happen. 

Friday, September 24, 2010

Thinky Thoughts of the Thinky Kind

Allow me to be bold and step forward into the spotlight. Bare my self, if you will, in order to show you that you--yes, you--are not alone in this world. Everyone is different, of course. We've been told that from birth. Everyone is different, and yet we all strive to be the same. Wear the same clothes (leggings and mini skirts, anyone?), cut our hair the same (did anyone but Jennifer Aniston look good with the Aniston layers?), even think the same. And yet, we, as human beings don't actually work that way. We think differently, we feel differently, and we look differently.

It's this that I want to point out right now, this push to be the same when we're all different. I, like so many of you, have tried for years to fit in. I've worn clothes that didn't look good on me because they were popular. I permed my hair when it didn't really need a perm just because everyone else was getting a perm. I watched movies and television shows, listened to music, and read books because society and the media said I should. Probably my worst offense against myself, though, was hating my body and myself because I didn't look the way everyone told me I should look. I wasn't a 5'6 whisp of nothing that could fit through prison bars just by turning sideways. I have never been a whisp of nothing. Even when I was a little girl, before puberty sent my body into a steady weight increase, I wasn't that thin.

And that's okay. I have hips. I have boobs. I am tall. I have legs that go on for days. I have a tiny waist (comparatively speaking), bestowing me with an hour glass figure. I have blue eyes, freckles, curly hair that frizzes if you look at it wrong, short nails, scars, bruises, and bug bites. I weigh more than is healthy, yes. Do I want to fix that? Yes. But even if I never do, I am okay with that. Because I love me. Every imperfect inch of myself. And that, society, is what beauty really is. It's not starving yourself so that every rib is countable. It's not wearing that particular brand of "jeggings". It's not wearing L'Oreal lipstick, D&G sunglasses, or having those perfect sideswept bangs.

It's loving yourself for who you are, imperfections, differences, and all.

This is one of the reasons why you are not alone. You are not alone in being different, you are not alone in being comfortable in your skin, and you are not alone in being frustrated with the status quo being what it is. you're not even alone in finding yourself playing the comparison game.

Yes, that one. You know the one I'm talking about. I do it, too. The game where you're out in public, and you see someone grossly overweight, and before you even realize what you're doing, you start comparing yourself to them. Your walk to their walk. Your stomach to their stomach. Your chest to their chest. Your chin to their chin. by the time you're done, you've reassured yourself that you may not look great, but you don't look as bad as all that. And then the guilt hits you. You feel awful for judging this person that way, when you have no idea why they look the way they do. You'd hate it if someone did it to you, and here you are doing it to someone else.

Guess what? Everyone does it. I do it, more frequently than I'd like to admit, but I can at least recognize the reasons behind why it happens. We do it because it makes us feel better. It makes us able to rationalize what we're eating, what exercise we're doing--or not doing--how we feel about ourselves.

And that's okay. I'm not saying it's okay to put other people down to make yourself feel better, of course. That's never okay. I'm saying that it's okay that you rationalize.

I just heard the collective shocked-and-horrified gasp.

No, really. Rationalizing means you're human. It means you're aware of a problem. What you have to do now is be cognizant of what you're doing, why you're doing it and how to fix it. Fixing it is the biggest part, because without that, you'll be stuck in the same vicious cycle of weight gain/loss that you've always been stuck in, whether it's five pounds, fifty, or five hundred.

See, I, and the others around here, am all about developing a healthier mindset. With a healthier mindset comes a healthier way of living, and, eventually, a healthier body. It's all tied together, and in order to fix it, you have to break the cycle perpetrated by the media, society, friends, and family. Most importantly, though, you have to break the cycle perpetrated by you.

So go look in the mirror. Don't shy away. Sure, you're flawed. We all are. But go look. Look at the parts of yourself that you usually avoid. Study them. Why do you avoid them? Because you think they're ugly? Why do you think that? What makes them ugly in your eyes? Look closely. Find something good. I'll start.

I dislike my belly. It hangs, jiggles, and makes me look as though I'm four or five months pregnant if I wear the wrong style shirt. BUT. This belly is the result of carrying another life inside of myself. Without him, I would not look like this, and without this body, I wouldn't have him.

Need another one? All right, how about... My cheeks have always been chubby. Always. Chipmunks look at me and get jealous. But those cheeks are the gorgeous apples that lead into some stunning cheekbones, and accentuate my overall facial structure. Without such full cheeks, my face would look odd and slightly disproportioned. I love my cheeks.

Now you do it. Go find something that you usually dislike and avoid, and find something good about it. I guarantee you'll be able to find something. Come back and share it in the comments if you're brave, and together, we'll celebrate our differences and our flaws, the things that make us gorgeous.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Zephyr's Introduction

Current stats:

AGE: 27

WEIGHT: 310 lbs

HEIGHT: 6'0"

SHIRT SIZE: 24/26  or 2x-3x (depends on the cut)

PANT SIZE: 26 (little snug) to 28 (little loose)

CURRENT LEVEL OF PHYSICAL ACTIVITY: low. A lot of walking on campus, walks with the new dog, yoga when I can squeeze it in, but overall, barely amounting to an hour at the most.

CURRENT DIET: It alternates between not eating much at all, which triggers starvation mode, and eating whatever's easiest, resulting in an upsetting amount of fast food.

WEIGHT LOSS HISTORY: I was a relatively normal sized child, until I hit puberty.  From that point, what had been a slight bit of chub turned into a large amount of chub.  It didn't help that I was sedentary, shy, and a klutz. Any time I joined some kind of sports, if I didn't wind up getting injured badly enough to have to sit out the rest of the season (soccer) or laughed out (volleyball),  I freaked out and quit (track).

I went to Denmark at age 18 as a foreign exchange student, and was warned that it was very likely I would gain at least 20lbs.  Interestingly, quite the opposite happened; I lost 50. I was much more active, biking and walking everywhere, and eating food that, while not as healthy as it could have been, wasn't loaded down with the same things our food here in the states tends to be. I looked and felt great, down to just about 200 lbs for the first time since I was 14 or 15.  Unfortunately, the circumstances there led me to returning to the US sooner and under much less pleasant circumstances than it should have been. Because I'm an emotional eater, and came back very bitter and angry, I gained back all the weight, and another 30 or so besides.

And in the column of things that change your body forever, I got pregnant at 20.  There was complications at delivery and after, and between those and the changes to my body, I never lost the baby weight (though, admittedly, I didn't gain much; only about 15 lbs all told, including the 4 lbs lost in the first couple of months).  It was more that the muscles never recovered, and over the six years since I had my son, fat settled into place in places it shouldn't have been.

Fast forward to now, 2010.  I've got a heart condition that no one can determine the cause of (and while i've been reassured that it's not weight related, I still have my doubts), joint issues from old injuries and the excessive weight I carry, and a myriad of other complaints that can be traced back to my weight, up to and including viciously low self esteem. I can't play with my son for more than a couple of minutes without feeling like I'm going to die, I can't convince myself to go out and do things because I'm positive everyone is looking at me and making fun of how heavy I am, I don't fit into some of the desks on campus (I'm an undergrad), and so on.  All of these things can be fixed by getting myself healthy. If I could just do it.

WEIGHT LOSS PLAN:  Take of sports/exercises that don't place too much stress on my beat up body and that keep me interested, change my eating habits to not only include several small meals a day, but to eliminate fast food. 

LONG-TERM GOAL:  135 lbs for a final weight of 175.

SHORT-TERM GOAL: 10 lbs by Thanksgiving (November 25, 2010) through healthier eating and more exercise, in the form of taking more stairs, parking farther, and doing yoga for at least 20 minutes, 5 days a week.

Rainne's Introduction

Welcome to the WeatherGirls Weight Loss Blog.  Permit me to introduce myself. My name is Rainne, and I'll be one of your hostesses.

Current stats:

AGE: 32

WEIGHT: 399 lbs.

HEIGHT: 5' 8.5"


PANT SIZE: 28 (barely - they're getting very tight)


CURRENT DIET: Here's the funny part.  I barely eat.  And that's honestly part of the problem.  I never eat breakfast; I usually get a frappucino on the way to school, and I have something for lunch.  Then in the evenings, if I eat anything at all, it's usually a snack like chips or something like that.

WEIGHT LOSS HISTORY:  I have not been fat all my life.  It's hard to tell here, but I was pretty much an average-sized kid.  (Also, check out those pegged jeans and the eye-blindingly pristine white Keds, wouldja?)

Despite the taunts of my father, who called me fatty-fatty-two-by-four when I was in the second or third grade, I didn't actually start putting on weight until high school.  Puberty combined with my shitty home life (emotional and physical abuse, amongst other problems) and I started comfort-eating.  It wasn't long before my weight started to rise, and I didn't even realize it until it was far too late to stop.

Two years ago, using the L.A. Weight Loss plan, I actually lost 50 lbs.  I was eating the most ridiculous amounts of food, but it was lots of vegetables and proteins, very little starch and almost no fat.  Then the company went under (Yes - you read that right - they WENT UNDER.  If you see their advertisements, I strongly suggest that you NOT utilize their services, as they've turned into little more than a scam).  After I came off the program in my disillusionment over the money lost to that company, I gained every pound back - plus about twenty.

WEIGHT LOSS PLAN:  I don't really have a solid plan yet.  I know I need diet and exercise, but how to accomplish that is going to be a trial-and-error kind of thing, I think.  The university where I'm currently a master's student has a gym/rec center with a weight room and aerobics classes and things, mostly free for students, so I'm signing up for that.  I'm also looking into Nutri-System or something similar.  If anyone has any experience with their company, I'd love to hear about it.

LONG-TERM GOAL: I have at least 250 lbs to lose.

SHORT-TERM GOAL: For the next two weeks, rather than focusing on my weight as a goal, I am going to focus on changing my eating habits and developing an exercise routine.