Tuesday, November 23, 2010

What a difference a month makes

We've all been exceptionally quite for the last month or so.  For my part, it was a combination of lack of internet, school, work, child, NaNoWriMo, and a myriad of other things, including my mother's chemo treatments and an upper respiratory infection that we were all terrified was going to turn into pneumonia (it didn't, and she's on the mend, with 2 treatments left to go. yay!).  Excuses, excuses, yeah, I know.

It's been a rough month, emotionally.  I wound up completely off meds again, and while it's better in one way (i was falling asleep ALL THE TIME on Zoloft. not a good thing for classes, work, child rearing...), it's resulted in a couple of rounds of woe-is-me. That resulted in quite a bit of binge eating, since I'm an emotional eater.  I don't think I gained any weight, because there were a lot of times that I flat out forgot to eat anything at all, and my clothes are all looser.  This leads me to believe I actually lost weight.  This isn't any better, though. I didn't do it through healthy living, i did it through starvation.

Does it matter that I didn't do it on purpose?  no, I don't think so.  I think, in my view, it makes it worse, because it means I wasn't taking care of myself at all. That's not healthy at all.  Sure, there's quite a bit I could do about it, now, but reaction is not the goal.  Action is.  Taking care of myself so that this doesn't happen is the way it should be.  The question then becomes how do I do that?

I don't know. No one knows. It's about how I feel about myself, right? No one can take care of me for me. I try, but it doesn't work very well. Obviously.  I think it's a lot of three steps forward-two steps back, but either way, I'm gaining ground. I think.

(isn't this just the most cheerful return post?)