Saturday, April 23, 2011

Weather Girls!?

Where my Weather Girlz at?

Seems like we've all fallen off the planet. I'm making the decision today to rededicate myself to my journey. Will you make the decision with me? A lot has happened in the last few months (I'm going to post about it in my journal), but I want to drag you girls with me. ;)

So...will you rededicate yourself with me? Or...if you've been on track the last few months, will you support us with your awesomeness to our rededication?



Sunday, December 26, 2010

New Year's Resolutions

Now that the insanity of Christmas has (barely) passed us by, many people immediately turn to thoughts of what they want to resolve to do --or not do--in the new year.  I know many of us probably resolve to do the same things many other people resolve to do...they want to lose weight, exercise more, fit into those jeans from high school, whatever.  That's all well and good, but how are you going to get there? What are you going to do for yourself to get you to that goal?

I challenge all of you to come up with at least one resolution, AND a way to get there.  I'll start:

1) I resolve to do yoga at least three times a week.  IN order to do this, I'll schedule it into my day, likely Tuesday, Friday, and Saturday, in order to avoid conflicts with school providing excuses not to.  I will transfer my yoga audio instructions to my ipod so that they are clearly heard and easily accessed, and I will make sure my yoga dvds are accessible and in the appropriate cases.

2) I resolve to eat less refined sugar. I will limit myself to 1 treat a day, the way I did while living in Europe (the time of my most effective weight loss), and I will remove sodas from my diet. Again.  I will switch to drinking water and natural fruit juices in their place.

By breaking them down into managable parts, I've lost a lot of the daunting fear that comes with these kinds of resolutions.  What do you resolve for 2011?

Thursday, December 16, 2010

'Tis the Season

The semester's over. I'm relieved. The grades are rolling in and are, so far, all A's. (Woo) I did a lot of baking yesterday, for my mother. She's feeling better after round five of chemo, but she had a deadline to hit (Saturday), and not a lot of energy to hit it, so I stepped in to help.  I found myself quite surprised by the amount of cookies I didn't want to eat. I'm usually nibbling left, right, and center, but not this year. Well. I did nibble some dough...

I find it fascinating, because two days ago, my now ex-boyfriend decided to be a complete and utter asshole and tell me that he just wanted to be "Casual", based on things like I don't keep my house spotless (I have a dog, two cats, and a six year old, work, and go to school, OF COURSE IT'S NOT SPOTLESS, WTF.), that I have cats (don't get me started), and because I'm going to school, which is, in his opinion, not taking care of my child because it means I'm not working full time or fully financially stable.

I'll let that sink in for a moment.

Yes, he actually said that it bothered him that I was having financial troubles because I was chosing to go to school instead of working full time.  Now...there's a million problems with that, but we'll stick with the basics here: 1) my job WONT LET ME WORK FULL TIME, 2) going to school IS taking care of my son and 3) he's clean, he's fed, he has clothes, and a roof over his head. FUCK YOU.

So all that shit went down, and then I baked. And I didn't binge.  I didn't binge the night before, when he pulled that crap, I didn't binge while baking, and I still haven't binged.  I'm really fucking proud of myself for that.

How's your holidays looking so far, Weather Watchers?

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

What a difference a month makes

We've all been exceptionally quite for the last month or so.  For my part, it was a combination of lack of internet, school, work, child, NaNoWriMo, and a myriad of other things, including my mother's chemo treatments and an upper respiratory infection that we were all terrified was going to turn into pneumonia (it didn't, and she's on the mend, with 2 treatments left to go. yay!).  Excuses, excuses, yeah, I know.

It's been a rough month, emotionally.  I wound up completely off meds again, and while it's better in one way (i was falling asleep ALL THE TIME on Zoloft. not a good thing for classes, work, child rearing...), it's resulted in a couple of rounds of woe-is-me. That resulted in quite a bit of binge eating, since I'm an emotional eater.  I don't think I gained any weight, because there were a lot of times that I flat out forgot to eat anything at all, and my clothes are all looser.  This leads me to believe I actually lost weight.  This isn't any better, though. I didn't do it through healthy living, i did it through starvation.

Does it matter that I didn't do it on purpose?  no, I don't think so.  I think, in my view, it makes it worse, because it means I wasn't taking care of myself at all. That's not healthy at all.  Sure, there's quite a bit I could do about it, now, but reaction is not the goal.  Action is.  Taking care of myself so that this doesn't happen is the way it should be.  The question then becomes how do I do that?

I don't know. No one knows. It's about how I feel about myself, right? No one can take care of me for me. I try, but it doesn't work very well. Obviously.  I think it's a lot of three steps forward-two steps back, but either way, I'm gaining ground. I think.

(isn't this just the most cheerful return post?)

Saturday, October 30, 2010

We'll walk this road together, through the storm

Another Saturday, another victory.

On the way to my weigh-in, Eminem's song "Not Afraid" came on the radio. And it couldn't have been any more appropriate. (Side note - I never really liked his stuff before. But really dig it since he got cleaned up. Anyone who knows me, knows how eclectic my music taste really is.)

I'm not afraid. I'm no longer afraid of what the future might bring, afraid of wasting the present, afraid of what used to be in my past. I am strong. I am clean. I am loved. I am strong. I got cleaned up; not from drugs or alcohol, but from my food addiction, though I fight with it everyday.

I wish I could accurately share with you what I'm feeling right now, how wondrous and glorious my heart beats, how much love and happiness is coursing through me. I wish I could take out whatever is making me so bouncy and giggly and strong and inject it into others so that I could share these feelings. But instead, I blog and share music and talk to whomever needs to talk on IM and listen when my words aren't needed.

I made it through an incredibly stressful week; taking 130 kids on a field trip was just a tad bit stressful, including the teachers who weren't all being very helpful, but more of a hinderance. And instead of eating my stress like I would have normally (and really wanted to btw), I took it out on my elliptical. I'm up to 20 minutes now. :)

And it was all worth it. I weighed in this morning. I'M DOWN 5 MORE POUNDS!!!!!!! For a total of 10.8 in the last three weeks.

Blessings and here's to another great week!

Love and Laughter,
I'm not afraid to take a stand

Everybody come take my hand

We'll walk this road together, through the storm

Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just let you know that, you're not alone

Holla if you feel that you've been down the same road
Yeah, It's been a ride...
I guess I had to go to that place to get to this one

Now some of you might still be in that place

If you're trying to get out, just follow me

I'll get you there

You can try and read my lyrics off of this paper before I lay 'em

But you won't take this thing out these words before I say 'em

Cause ain't no way I'm let you stop me from causing mayhem

When I say 'em or do something I do it, I don't give a damn

What you think, I'm doing this for me, so fuck the world

Feed it beans, it's gassed up, if a thing's stopping me

I'mma be what I set out to be, without a doubt undoubtedly

And all those who look down on me I'm tearing down your balcony

No if ands or buts don't try to ask him why or how can he

From Infinite down to the last Relapse album he's still shit'n

Whether he's on salary, paid hourly

Until he bows out or he shit's his bowels out of him

Whichever comes first, for better or worse

He's married to the game, like a fuck you for christmas

His gift is a curse, forget the earth he's got the urge

To pull his dick from the dirt and fuck the universe

I'm not afraid to take a stand

Everybody come take my hand

We'll walk this road together, through the storm

Whatever weather, cold or warm

Just let you know that, you're not alone

Holla if you feel that you've been down the same road
Ok quit playin' with the scissors and shit, and cut the crap

I shouldn't have to rhyme these words in the rhythm for you to know it's a rap

You said you was king, you lied through your teeth

For that fuck your feelings, instead of getting crowned you're getting capped

And to the fans, I'll never let you down again, I'm back

I promise to never go back on that promise, in fact

Let's be honest, that last Relapse CD was "ehhhh"

Perhaps I ran them accents into the ground

Relax, I ain't going back to that now

All I'm tryna say is get back, click-clack BLAOW

Cause I ain't playin' around

There's a game called circle and I don't know how

I'm way too up to back down

But I think I'm still tryna figure this crap out

Thought I had it mapped out but I guess I didn't

This fucking black cloud still follow's me around

But it's time to exercise these demons

These motherfuckers are doing jumping jacks now!

I'm not afraid to take a stand

Everybody come take my hand

We'll walk this road together, through the storm

Whatever weather, cold or warm

Just let you know that, you're not alone

Holla if you feel that you've been down the same road
And I just can't keep living this way

So starting today, I'm breaking out of this cage

I'm standing up, Imma face my demons

I'm manning up, Imma hold my ground

I've had enough, now I'm so fed up

Time to put my life back together right now
It was my decision to get clean, I did it for me

Admittedly I probably did it subliminally for you

So I could come back a brand new me, you helped see me through

And don't even realise what you did, believe me you

I been through the ringer, but they can do little to the middle finger

I think I got a tear in my eye, I feel like the king of

My world, haters can make like bees with no stingers, and drop dead

No more beef flingers, no more drama from now on, I promise

To focus soley on handling my responsibility's as a father

So I solemnly swear to always treat this roof like my daughters and raise it

You couldn't lift a single shingle on it

Cause the way I feel, I'm strong enough to go to the club

Or the corner pub and lift the whole liquor counter up

Cause I'm raising the bar, I shoot for the moon

But I'm too busy gazing at stars, I feel amazing and

I'm not afraid to take a stand

Everybody come take my hand

We'll walk this road together, through the storm

Whatever weather, cold or warm

Just let you know that, you're not alone

Holla if you feel that you've been down the same road

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Where My Heart Takes Me

I know it's been awhile.  Went to the beach for a week with NO internet and hardly any cell phone coverage.  Sporadic at best.  It was amazing.  Had an AMAZING time.  But then something...significant happened to me.

During the entire week, I had been eating fairly healthy (except for a TicTac mini chocolate bar every now and then).  Even walked for over an hour on the beach every day with my dog (which was heavenly!!).  But in the back of my mind, thoughts of food (pizza, ice cream, chips) were my constant companion.  I knew the moment my folks left to go home and take my grandma back to her home, that my time was open to eat what I wanted.  

A few hours after they left, I packed my dog up in my car and took off for the nearest town, about 30 minutes away.  I got a bunch of different 'appetizers' to bake in the oven - onion rings, buffalo wings, etc - ice cream, and a pizza from the best pizza place I've ever had.  During this shopping excursion, I even grabbed some McDonald's.  Took it all back to the house, with every intention of gorging the crap out of myself. 

Put the stuff in the freezer or the oven, depending, and proceeded to have a panic attack.  Something inside of me KNEW what I was doing was the worst thing.  I was crying, couldn't catch my breath, and started calling out for someone to help me, calling out to Jesus.  It lowest point.  I knew that it was now or never.  Called my mom up (even though I'm 30, she can still calm me when we talk) and I came to some conclusions. 

I can't do this by myself.  I need some support.  I am a food addict.  While it's not drugs, alcohol or sex, this addiction will kill me.  I had to get some counseling, find a group or something.  I've tried OA before, but it was a little creepy (only one woman who was a bit...odd).  And in the end of the conversation with my Mom, I threw ALL of the food away.  All $70+ of it.  And I almost threw up after.  My body was shaking, and the desperation was just leaking out of me.  It was just awful.  And I never want to feel that way again.  I never want to feel that out of control of my life, of myself.

When I came home, I joined Weight Watchers the next day.  Literally.  I came home on Friday and joined on Saturday morning.  I just completed my second week.

I haven't touched, gone near or inside of a fast food join since that Friday.  No junk food or anything that could poison my body.  And I've been doing so well following the WW program.  I feel better, cleaner.  My hair is shiny, my skin is glowing, and I'm down 5.8 pounds; 5 pounds the first week, .8 this week (which is totally awesome 'cause I'm also on my period.  I usually gain 3-5 pounds, so I'll take a .8 loss!!!).  

With this change...I wish I could describe how amazing I feel, how truly happy I am.  I'm looking forward to the journey, to my path to happiness, to loving myself.  I'm looking forward to heading up to Seattle for New Years Eve and Portland next summer for a friend's wedding.  I'm going wear a summer dress and dance and flirt with some cute boys.  I'm going to run a marathon with my friend, go out dancing at a salsa club.  I'm going to India to see the Taj Mahal, have a baby one day.  

From the lowest point in my life, I'm finding my way back.  And it's amazing.  I am blessed by God and everyone to have come to this point.

Love and Laughter,

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Overdoing it

Okay, so I got a little excited.

You see, for the first time in a long time, a member of the opposite sex has expressed interest in me.  Now, I'm not sure how you all feel about dating when you're a big girl, but let me tell you what I worry about:

That. That is the kind of crap I worry about.  Because it's so prevalent.  It's not okay to make fun of Black people any more; it's not really okay to may fun of LGBTQ people any more, but man is it ever okay to make fun of fat people.  And everyone knows fat girls give it up quick, because they're so desperate for it.  Am I right, ladies?

So I worry.  But he seems all right; he's fun and kinda cute, so I figured I'd give it a chance.  So yesterday after class, I went over to the rec center and did my mile (well, almost a mile) on the track, and then I did a mile on the recumbent bike.

Then I went on my date.  We went to dinner (I had the grilled chicken Caesar), and we went mini-golfing.  And then we went bowling.  And this morning?  I HURT.  Let this be a lesson!