Saturday, October 30, 2010

We'll walk this road together, through the storm

Another Saturday, another victory.

On the way to my weigh-in, Eminem's song "Not Afraid" came on the radio. And it couldn't have been any more appropriate. (Side note - I never really liked his stuff before. But really dig it since he got cleaned up. Anyone who knows me, knows how eclectic my music taste really is.)

I'm not afraid. I'm no longer afraid of what the future might bring, afraid of wasting the present, afraid of what used to be in my past. I am strong. I am clean. I am loved. I am strong. I got cleaned up; not from drugs or alcohol, but from my food addiction, though I fight with it everyday.

I wish I could accurately share with you what I'm feeling right now, how wondrous and glorious my heart beats, how much love and happiness is coursing through me. I wish I could take out whatever is making me so bouncy and giggly and strong and inject it into others so that I could share these feelings. But instead, I blog and share music and talk to whomever needs to talk on IM and listen when my words aren't needed.

I made it through an incredibly stressful week; taking 130 kids on a field trip was just a tad bit stressful, including the teachers who weren't all being very helpful, but more of a hinderance. And instead of eating my stress like I would have normally (and really wanted to btw), I took it out on my elliptical. I'm up to 20 minutes now. :)

And it was all worth it. I weighed in this morning. I'M DOWN 5 MORE POUNDS!!!!!!! For a total of 10.8 in the last three weeks.

Blessings and here's to another great week!

Love and Laughter,
I'm not afraid to take a stand

Everybody come take my hand

We'll walk this road together, through the storm

Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just let you know that, you're not alone

Holla if you feel that you've been down the same road
Yeah, It's been a ride...
I guess I had to go to that place to get to this one

Now some of you might still be in that place

If you're trying to get out, just follow me

I'll get you there

You can try and read my lyrics off of this paper before I lay 'em

But you won't take this thing out these words before I say 'em

Cause ain't no way I'm let you stop me from causing mayhem

When I say 'em or do something I do it, I don't give a damn

What you think, I'm doing this for me, so fuck the world

Feed it beans, it's gassed up, if a thing's stopping me

I'mma be what I set out to be, without a doubt undoubtedly

And all those who look down on me I'm tearing down your balcony

No if ands or buts don't try to ask him why or how can he

From Infinite down to the last Relapse album he's still shit'n

Whether he's on salary, paid hourly

Until he bows out or he shit's his bowels out of him

Whichever comes first, for better or worse

He's married to the game, like a fuck you for christmas

His gift is a curse, forget the earth he's got the urge

To pull his dick from the dirt and fuck the universe

I'm not afraid to take a stand

Everybody come take my hand

We'll walk this road together, through the storm

Whatever weather, cold or warm

Just let you know that, you're not alone

Holla if you feel that you've been down the same road
Ok quit playin' with the scissors and shit, and cut the crap

I shouldn't have to rhyme these words in the rhythm for you to know it's a rap

You said you was king, you lied through your teeth

For that fuck your feelings, instead of getting crowned you're getting capped

And to the fans, I'll never let you down again, I'm back

I promise to never go back on that promise, in fact

Let's be honest, that last Relapse CD was "ehhhh"

Perhaps I ran them accents into the ground

Relax, I ain't going back to that now

All I'm tryna say is get back, click-clack BLAOW

Cause I ain't playin' around

There's a game called circle and I don't know how

I'm way too up to back down

But I think I'm still tryna figure this crap out

Thought I had it mapped out but I guess I didn't

This fucking black cloud still follow's me around

But it's time to exercise these demons

These motherfuckers are doing jumping jacks now!

I'm not afraid to take a stand

Everybody come take my hand

We'll walk this road together, through the storm

Whatever weather, cold or warm

Just let you know that, you're not alone

Holla if you feel that you've been down the same road
And I just can't keep living this way

So starting today, I'm breaking out of this cage

I'm standing up, Imma face my demons

I'm manning up, Imma hold my ground

I've had enough, now I'm so fed up

Time to put my life back together right now
It was my decision to get clean, I did it for me

Admittedly I probably did it subliminally for you

So I could come back a brand new me, you helped see me through

And don't even realise what you did, believe me you

I been through the ringer, but they can do little to the middle finger

I think I got a tear in my eye, I feel like the king of

My world, haters can make like bees with no stingers, and drop dead

No more beef flingers, no more drama from now on, I promise

To focus soley on handling my responsibility's as a father

So I solemnly swear to always treat this roof like my daughters and raise it

You couldn't lift a single shingle on it

Cause the way I feel, I'm strong enough to go to the club

Or the corner pub and lift the whole liquor counter up

Cause I'm raising the bar, I shoot for the moon

But I'm too busy gazing at stars, I feel amazing and

I'm not afraid to take a stand

Everybody come take my hand

We'll walk this road together, through the storm

Whatever weather, cold or warm

Just let you know that, you're not alone

Holla if you feel that you've been down the same road

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Where My Heart Takes Me

I know it's been awhile.  Went to the beach for a week with NO internet and hardly any cell phone coverage.  Sporadic at best.  It was amazing.  Had an AMAZING time.  But then something...significant happened to me.

During the entire week, I had been eating fairly healthy (except for a TicTac mini chocolate bar every now and then).  Even walked for over an hour on the beach every day with my dog (which was heavenly!!).  But in the back of my mind, thoughts of food (pizza, ice cream, chips) were my constant companion.  I knew the moment my folks left to go home and take my grandma back to her home, that my time was open to eat what I wanted.  

A few hours after they left, I packed my dog up in my car and took off for the nearest town, about 30 minutes away.  I got a bunch of different 'appetizers' to bake in the oven - onion rings, buffalo wings, etc - ice cream, and a pizza from the best pizza place I've ever had.  During this shopping excursion, I even grabbed some McDonald's.  Took it all back to the house, with every intention of gorging the crap out of myself. 

Put the stuff in the freezer or the oven, depending, and proceeded to have a panic attack.  Something inside of me KNEW what I was doing was the worst thing.  I was crying, couldn't catch my breath, and started calling out for someone to help me, calling out to Jesus.  It lowest point.  I knew that it was now or never.  Called my mom up (even though I'm 30, she can still calm me when we talk) and I came to some conclusions. 

I can't do this by myself.  I need some support.  I am a food addict.  While it's not drugs, alcohol or sex, this addiction will kill me.  I had to get some counseling, find a group or something.  I've tried OA before, but it was a little creepy (only one woman who was a bit...odd).  And in the end of the conversation with my Mom, I threw ALL of the food away.  All $70+ of it.  And I almost threw up after.  My body was shaking, and the desperation was just leaking out of me.  It was just awful.  And I never want to feel that way again.  I never want to feel that out of control of my life, of myself.

When I came home, I joined Weight Watchers the next day.  Literally.  I came home on Friday and joined on Saturday morning.  I just completed my second week.

I haven't touched, gone near or inside of a fast food join since that Friday.  No junk food or anything that could poison my body.  And I've been doing so well following the WW program.  I feel better, cleaner.  My hair is shiny, my skin is glowing, and I'm down 5.8 pounds; 5 pounds the first week, .8 this week (which is totally awesome 'cause I'm also on my period.  I usually gain 3-5 pounds, so I'll take a .8 loss!!!).  

With this change...I wish I could describe how amazing I feel, how truly happy I am.  I'm looking forward to the journey, to my path to happiness, to loving myself.  I'm looking forward to heading up to Seattle for New Years Eve and Portland next summer for a friend's wedding.  I'm going wear a summer dress and dance and flirt with some cute boys.  I'm going to run a marathon with my friend, go out dancing at a salsa club.  I'm going to India to see the Taj Mahal, have a baby one day.  

From the lowest point in my life, I'm finding my way back.  And it's amazing.  I am blessed by God and everyone to have come to this point.

Love and Laughter,

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Overdoing it

Okay, so I got a little excited.

You see, for the first time in a long time, a member of the opposite sex has expressed interest in me.  Now, I'm not sure how you all feel about dating when you're a big girl, but let me tell you what I worry about:

That. That is the kind of crap I worry about.  Because it's so prevalent.  It's not okay to make fun of Black people any more; it's not really okay to may fun of LGBTQ people any more, but man is it ever okay to make fun of fat people.  And everyone knows fat girls give it up quick, because they're so desperate for it.  Am I right, ladies?

So I worry.  But he seems all right; he's fun and kinda cute, so I figured I'd give it a chance.  So yesterday after class, I went over to the rec center and did my mile (well, almost a mile) on the track, and then I did a mile on the recumbent bike.

Then I went on my date.  We went to dinner (I had the grilled chicken Caesar), and we went mini-golfing.  And then we went bowling.  And this morning?  I HURT.  Let this be a lesson!

Saturday, October 9, 2010

It's The Small Successes...

It's The Small Successes that mean the most, sometimes.

I have 2 pairs of pants that I absolutely adore.  I haven't wore either of them for well over a year, because when I put them on last, they were so tight that I had horrendous muffin top syndrome AND a fugly camel toe, to boot.

This evening, while trying to figure out what to wear out for a date night, I decided to try on the muffin top/camel toe causing pants....and they fit!  No muffin top. No camel toe.

Suddenly, my crabby, bloated, pms-y crankiness disappeared.

And this small success was brought about by a very small change: walking. Just walking to and from the subway to commute to work (about a mile round trip) and walking to the grocery store every evening.

Sure it took a long time, but that doesn't really matter anymore.  Not when I can finally wear two of my most favorite slacks I have ever purchased.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Tuesday doldrums

I don't know if it's actually because it's Tuesday, if it's because (TMI alert, beg pardon!) the hormones are on a down swing, or if it's because it's the middle of a semester so everything seems wildly out of proportion to everything else.  I'm down today, though.  I feel very isolated and alone.  I've done my Health Month stuff for the day, and I've done proper work at work (as well as some not-proper-fic-reading...) and will do more productive things when I get home tonight, but it's a day when I'm just going through the motions.

Cue Buffy: the Vampie Slayer's "Once More With Feeling" soundtrack, please...

I'm not sure what's causing it, but I know I don't like it, and I know it's having an impact on my eating and other healthy behaviors.  I brought a sandwich for lunch today, and instead had some of the pizza provided t the luncheon today.  As well as a Twinkie and a can of Coke.  I parked close to the building instead of out under the trees (though that was as much because I'm wearing three inch heels :P ). I have intentions to do some yoga and some housework when I get home before I do my homework, but whether that sticks or not, I don't know.  The way I'm feeling right now, it won't. I'm so apathetic, it's ridiculous.

I just don't know what to do about it. I would dearly love to just curl up and sleep. Ignore the world. Forget dinner. I just don't want to interact with the world.  As much as I know it's unhealthy, it's what I want to do, and this Tuesday, it's one I'm struggling to fight. :(

Monday, October 4, 2010

How was your weekend?

I was still pretty sick through most of mine. Felt better today, so I went to the gym with my friend.  We walked our mile on the track, but by the end of it, I wanted to die, so we didn't do the bike today.  Hopefully by Wednesday, I will be up to it again.

Didn't do too terribly bad on the eating this weekend... Mom and I went to Longhorn yesterday and split a rack of ribs.  I only ate maybe three or four ribs, but I did decimate my baked potato.

I am considering trying to do the Atkins induction phase, since I did it once before and dropped like ten pounds in a week, but I am honestly not sure whether or not I can stay away from Starbucks that long.  Plus there's that whole Atkins-may-be-bad-for-you debate.

In other news, I have a new hamster.  :)  Tell me about you!

Friday, October 1, 2010

Happy Friday

Happy Friday, Weather watchers! Hope your week ends on a high note and you have a fantastic weekend.  Consider today Free Meal Friday!  You've been working hard all week, take a meal and indulge a little! Have a glass of wine with dinner, have some pasta with that delicious Alfredo sauce, add a dessert onto the meal.  Make this a tradition for yourself every Friday.  complete denial will lead only to heartbreak and despair when you inevitably slip and binge on something unhealthy.

Another idea that I found worked for me years ago and I will be instituting again is to allow yourself one sweet (or salty if that's your preference) treat a day.  You get to decide when you have it, of course, but it's a good way to moderate yourself without going overboard in either direction.

So today, I had a bit of a thinky thought.  I'm wearing a corset today (a non-restricting one, more one for ascetics) and when I looked at myself in the mirror, i was surprised at how sleekly curvy I appeared.  A week of slightly healthier living hasn't done much in the way of weight loss, but I noticed there was something about my carriage that seemed more confident.  Part of this I'm willing to attribute to the recent addition of a rather fabulous boyfriend, but not all of it. Most certainly not all of it.

My shoulders were back, my head held high.  My skin was glowing and healthy, and there was a healthy sparkle in my eye that wasn't there a few weeks ago. 

All of this I fully attribute to my darling Weather Girls. Without them, This would be another attempt doomed to failure.  With you, I can succeed and get healthy. :D